FORMER FIRST LADY HEADLINES TRIBUTE TO WOODPECKER
by Chip N.Dale
Scottsdale Tribune
February 0, 2006

Scottsdale—Former First Lady Barbara Bush was the headline speaker at last night’s gala, held at the Marriott Nickelodeon Hotel. Speaking via satellite from Kennebunkport Maine, she introduced a brief biography on the honoree and then related some personal stories and experiences, she and her family have had with him over the years. Mrs. Bush said he was very influential on both Dubya and Jeb in their formative years. With the amount of travel she and Mr. Bush had to do, it was important, they had a reliable companion to entertain the ‘boys’. According to the Former First Lady, “the boys were in such good hands, George W’s humor and infectious laugh is a result of that companionship,” she said. He was responsible for young George’s following PFG (primary food groups), to which she attributes his good health to this day.

She also revealed that if you look carefully at the pictures in the Oval office you’ll see tonight’s luminary, between the president’s dog, Barney and Jack Abramoff.

Other highlights of the evening, which can be seen on CN, were:

Tennessee Tuxedo, being the sport he is, read the invocation from the Book of Prophets Acts 14:6.

Tom and Jerry, recently retired to Provincetown on Cape Cod and part owners in an exterminating business, said none of their success would have been possible had it not been for tonight’s famous person. “The fact that we could retire as soon as we did is because of all the things you did for us and to the many others who couldn’t make it here tonight,” they said in unison.

Also retired, and making custom feather dusters, on the opposite coast in San Francisco, T.Weety and Syl Vester echoed similar compliments to the night’s guest of honor.

W.E.Coyote and R.Runner came all the way from Sierra. They have been so successful as a result of the trailblazing efforts of tonight’s honoree that their Acme Company is in talks with the Defense Department to supply them with Sidewinders.

Dudley Do Right fired after 50 years of being a moderator with the Mounties in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, “was down and on the verge of a nervous breakdown,” he said. “Tonight’s ‘special guest’ opened my eyes”, he said tearfully, and was instrumental in my getting back on my feet again. I am now a sommelier for Kenwood Vineyards, which sometimes puts me off my feet, but for different reasons, and I owe it all to tonight’s leading light.”

Miss O.Oyl, speaking on behalf of her significant other, who is suffering from emphysema from all his years of pipe smoking, said if he were here,” he would just like to say, ‘I yam what I yam’, because of the celebrity we’re honoring tonight.”

Casper, made a fleeting appearance to say that tonight’s VIP, told him early in his career “learn from the ghosts in your past, because they will show you the way in the future.” “That advice allowed me to retire worry free, unlike my friends Spooky and Wendy who are still working at UT (University of Transylvania), teaching Paranormal Investigator Certification Courses.”

Before his speech, B.Simpson was reminded ‘Absolutely NO Soliciting, Sexual Dialog, or Political / Religious Chatter in this Room! and with that, offered this caustic advice to tonight’s living legend, “EAT MY SHORTS.”

Due to inclement weather off the Jersey Shore one of the night’s featured speaker’s could not make it. However, it did not stop his loyal fans from dressing up as SpongeBob SquarePants and holding banners reading,‘50 more years’.

Mr. P. Le Peu after giving a glowing tribute, said he heard some grumbling about the price of the gala affair but as he said (and coming from someone who should know) “I don’t care about ze stinking prices.”

The only damper on the evening was the no show of Natasha Fatale, Boris Badenov and Velma Dinkley. Unfortunately, the disagreement about who is better, the rapper 50 cent or the 14 family members of the Osmond family, continues between them and tonight’s idol.

One of the more moving tributes of the evening was a video presentation from the Mark’s Brothers Home for the Aged (founded in ’89 by brothers Braun and Douglas).Despite their walkers, wheelchairs and oxygen bottles, B.Boop.Felix T. Cat, G.Jetson and Fat Albert had nothing but praise for CCI and one of the six founders being honored tonight.CCI gave them the setup to live out their lives comfortably.” Without Cartoon Characters International, we would probably be hustling commercials for Vegas or Shamu at Sea World Orlando,” said Tom Terrific.

M..Magoo, B.Winkle and E.Fudd, led the audience in a rousing rendition of “For He’s a Jolly Good Pecker.”

As the evening wound down there was a moment of silence for Walter Lantz, who was, after all the reason Woody Woodpecker was honored tonight.

That’s All Folks!JAB