AMERICAN IDOL

AMERICAN IDOL

“I’m Ryan Seasection, welcome to American Idol. From eight candidates we are down to the final two -- Senators, Clinton and Obama.”

“Here’s their journey up to now -- one ‘Idol’ prefers Refco over Rezko, one of the idol’s spouse is the member of the family that wears the pants, while, the other one’s spouse drops his pants to show his member to someone outside the family and finally, only one ‘idol’ need not lift a toilet seat. Yet, despite their differences, they both agree -- wealthy people who make money are whores but it’s worth becoming a ‘john’ to finance your campaign,pissing off the Canadians and the Mexicans over NAFTA is good for Ohio and George W.Bush wouldn’t answer a 3:00 AM phone call from anyone but Dick.

Now let’s see what our judges have to say about the next American Idol.Randy, what about ‘idol’ Hillary?”

Randy:” Yo, babe listen up, I thought you lost it after Iowa but you know you came back nicely in New Hampshire, I don’t know, maybe it was the weepy thing you did but whatever it was, it worked. I think you’ve gotta be careful when you start laughing, though, you sometimes look like Marty Feldman on steroids, you know what I mean. I’d also get rid of the pants, man, don’t be afraid to show some leg. I know you can do it dude, you downed that shot of whiskey in Pennsylvania last month and looked what happened, not only did you win, but Bill phoned Eliot for some phone numbers, he’s worried.”

Paula:” I think you should be proud you’re a woman. You showed your decisiveness in New Hampshire by not wearing mascara because you knew when you cried it would probably have made you look like Alice Cooper, I think that showed courage. I also like the way you hide the gray that takes leadership, especially, if you’re going to “totally obliterate” Iran.”

Simon:”Frankly, I think your falsies are troubling…”

Randy “…I don’t know man, they look real to me.”

Simon: “…I don’t know what you call it in America but I mean the untruths like this Bosnia business and NAFTA, I mean, it really bothers me.Seriously, I think Randy’s right, you remind me of a bowling pin with that pant suit look. Having said that, whether you like it or not, you’re kind of a Mother Teresa figure for putting up with horndog.”

Ryan:” And now, ‘idol’ Barack, Randy.”

Randy: “Dude listen to me, I think it’s great an African American has come this far, I think you should change your first name though, there’s something about having the initials BO that sorta bothers me, I start thinking of armpits, you know what I mean. I like the fact though that from kindergarten you knew Iraq and capital gains tax would be an issue and that’s why you wanted to become president, that’s cool.”

Paula: “I think you should be proud you’re an African American. You’re an inspiration to all Americans. I would encourage people to read Ebony magazine to learn more about black culture.You remind me of hot chocolate with marshmallows on a cold day.”

Simon:”Wot are you saying Paula Abduh! Broc, you know I’ve liked you from the beginning and I think it’s yours to lose. You’ve done alright up until this Reverend Wright business. You know it’s hard for people to believe that in the 20 years you attended the church, you didn’t throw in an ‘amen’ occassionally.If I was you I’d learn to play the tambourine and join Hare Krishna. Saying that, I think you have to step it up a bit, Hillary had a shot of a Crown Royale,you should go back to having a fag once in a while…”

Randy: “Whoa dude, what are you talking about?”

Simon: “Sorry, you Americans call them cigarettes.”

Ryan: “There you have it, America, let’s review what the judges had to say, Senator Clinton --Randy thinks you should be careful of your look, saying you sometimes look like Alvin of the Chipmunks with those “puffy cheek things going on”, while, Paula thinks an image makeover wouldn’t hurt, “maybe hot pants, white boots and the song, ‘These Boots are made for Walking’ would turn your campaign around”. Simon likes the fact that you’ve loosen up but thinks, “maybe you should take even more starch out of your panties”. Senator Obama, Randy says wearing a lapel pin of ‘Jesus supports the NRA’ would get the “cling to guns and religion” vote ,while, Paula thinks wearing Bermuda shorts without the knee socks would attract the women vote and a Mister Rogers sweater would get the retirees. Simon likes your chances, saying you remind him of a young Lena Horne in drag -- coming from Simon, I’m not sure what that means.”

“It’s up to you, America --only one, can be the Democratic AMERICAN IDOL who meets the Republican AMERICAN HERO in November but -- you must VOTE.”

JAB