MARLEY TO HEAD GRINCH COMMITTEE

By Carol Ling, Mary Exmis, and H.Umbug
WASHINGTON POST
Tuesday, December 13, 2005,Washington--The U.S. Senate has announced the appointment of a sub committee, Government Research Into Nonessential Christmas Habits (GRINCH) to be headed by Senator Jacob Marley. The committee of three’ wise’ Senators, plan to visit the Holy land, North Pole and Lapland, purported to have the world’s largest reindeer population. The report of the committee’s findings is expected to be released April 1, 2006.

Among the organizations and interested parties expected to testify with their concerns, are:
American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) ---why does the gentleman in the red suit have to have an image of being over 50?
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) ---is it faux fur on the red jacket and if not how was the animal treated before being unmercifully slaughtered by employees and are they washing their hands before returning to work?
American Academy of Dermatology (AAD) ---why aren’t people informed that rosy cheeks are a symptom called rosacea and easily treatable, if you have a good health plan?
The Matadors Guild of Spain--- red has for centuries been associated with the great bull fighters of Spain. The wearing of red by this ‘weight challenged’ individual may cause confusion both to the bull and matadors.
International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers (IBEW) --- why are there not at least four electricians and a supervisor present when Rudolph has his nosed checked to make sure it glows?
Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) --- has the sleigh been filing a timely flightplan and have on- time statistics been provided to the DOT?
Department of Homeland Security(DHS)---are scissors less than four inches long and tools less than seven inches , that this ‘nearsighted challenged’ individual, carries in his bag when flying?
Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) ---are the gas emissions by the eight reindeer contributing to global warming?
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force(NGLTF)---why is reindeer, Prancer’s, sexual orientation not revealed and why has Donner not come out of the stall?
Waste Management Co. --- why is there no competitive bidding put out for the clean up of reindeer droppings?
National Association of Chimney Sweeps (NACS) ---why is this ‘fashionably challenged’ individual not a card carrying union member?
National Organization of Women (NOW) --- why is there no female representation among the eight reindeer?
Humane Society---what food choices, living conditions, conjugal visits, and health plans are made available to Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph?
Comet---the company is seeking restitution for the unauthorized use of its name and damages due to the confusion people may have between a toilet bowl and a reindeer.
World Trade Organization (WTO) ---is the giving away of toys, dolls and other children’s gifts unfair to the labor laws of the Dogon population living along the Cliffs of Bandiagara?
Sarah, Duchess of York---does the image of a jolly ‘girth challenged’ individual impinge on the earnings potential of a spokesperson for Jenny Craig?
B’nai Brith---if ‘that day’ falls on a Saturday does Blitzen have the option of not working?
N Y C Department of Health and Mental Hygiene---does the second hand smoke from the ‘nicotine challenged’ individual infringe on the smoke-free workplace of all New Yorkers?
Occupational Safety and Health Administration(OSHA)---are the ‘vertically challenged ‘ workers being provided with hardhats,earplugs,safety glasses,aprons,steel –toed boots, left or right handed tools, booster seats, and milk and cookies during breaks?

Senator Marley concluded with these remarks, “We all look forward to gathering around the holiday tree on December 25 with our physically, mentally, sexually oriented, and ethnically challenged family and friends. As we prepare to dive into the molded’ mock’ turkey and trimmings (conforming to the USDA Food guide Pyramid) with our ACLU lawyer nearby, let us not forget those two great expressions, “Only in America” and “God, I mean, somebody bless America”.

PS Merry Christmas---anonymous

JAB