THE LIZ AND PHIL TAPES

THE LIZ AND PHIL TAPES
L:”Be a dear, Philip, and help me take my purse off.”
P:”Yes, Your Majesty.”
L:”In case you’ve forgotten, Philip, we aren’t in the United Kingdom, you need not be so formal.”

P:”Yes, ma’am.”
L:”How are you enjoying your trip to America, Philip?”
P:”Quite extraordinary, although, I do miss seeing native costumes, like we saw in Rangoon and Canada.”

L:”Yes, quite.”
P:”At least your hats are smashing, ma’am, the hats they were wearing at the Kentucky Derby looked like Bella Abzug rejects.”

L:”I did so enjoy the Derby, although, I thought Elton and Helen Mirren were to join us?”

P:”Honestly, I ‘m not so sure the Yanks could have handled three Queens.”
L:”I did miss Elton, he’s the only one who knows how to curtsy properly.”
P:”Indeed.”
L:”I must remember to tell Prince about my wager.”
P: … [humming] ‘Purple Rain’.
L:”Not that Prince, you twit, our son, Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Whales.”

P:”What about you’re wager? Did you put a ‘fiver’ on, ‘Street Sense’?”
L:”Of course, with that mane and the bowed legs, he so reminded me of Camilla, I knew it was a winner.”

P:”I was thinking of myself and put a tener on ‘Imawildandcrazyguy’.”
L:”I do like George and Laura Bush, such a nice couple, unlike that Tony and Cherie Blair.”

P:”What’s so ghastly about them?”
L:”Such a common name, Tony, you would think he’d at least change it to Anthony.”
P:”But our grandson is called Harry.”
L:”Philip, don’t make me cross, we both know he doesn’t look like either of his parents, now does he?”

P:”I still think that George Bush is a prat after that wink he gave you on the South Lawn.”

L:”It gave me a tingle I haven’t had for a long time. Maybe if you had something, other than a stiff upper lip, your Queen would be better served.”

P:”How about some crumpet then?”
L:”Not now Philip, I have a migraine.”
P:”Smucker’s.”
L:”Now, Philip, there’s no need to be vulgar.”
P:”That’s the name of the preserve the Yanks use for breakie.”

L:”Well, I think I’ll turn in, good night, Philip.”
P:”Good night, ma’am, don’t let the bed bugs bite.”
L:”Hardly, with you in the other bed.”
P:”Smucker’s.”
Q: … [barely audible]”Wanker.”
JAB