Andy Rooney does another piece........

(CBS) The following is a weekly 60 Minutes commentary by correspondent Andy Rooney. It was first broadcast October 23, 2005.
Since, my commentary on chat rooms, last May, a number of things have happened. I thought I’d share some of them with you. You probably wondered as I had, whatever became of Clueless Trader. Well, I recently discovered that Clueless Trader was none other than our own Dan Rather. He was working on a story about chat rooms. The ruse would have worked had not Chris Wallace at FOX threatened to expose Dan. Not to get off the subject, but I’ve always told Mike he should have named his kid Dick. Dan wanted to continue the project, so he changed his nick, to Alzheimer. Unfortunately, he now forgets where he is and we can’t find him. Dan, if you’re out there, maybe this will jog your memory “What’s the frequency, Kenneth”? If, by chance, Clueless Trader does surface, use the buzz words ‘fake memos’ to see if there’s any reaction, it may be our Dan. If anyone comes across him in any of the chat rooms please call CBS here in New York. I received an E-mail from a Mr. Ken Wood [Woodie]. He was miffed that there was no mention of him being one of the pioneers of trading chat rooms. He claims to having been responsible for introducing :Hoot, Dax, Rover, hanksterr, Canada, Fitzy, Biggs, Shamu, Jean Yus, ghost trade, drbob, Gio, tonyuk and the list goes on. Gee, Woodie it sounds like the Cirque du Soleil is in town, any chance of some tickets? On his website, there’s a picture of him and former First Lady Barbara Bush. My eyes aren’t as good as they used to be but I think Woodie is the one on the left. I’m puzzled as to, why the former First Lady would be hanging out with commodity types? I don’t mean to suggest that there’s anything wrong with ‘commodity types’, but it’s obvious, Mrs. Bush didn’t learn anything from the Clintons. It wasn’t that long ago that Hillary was trading live cattle and Bill was doing live hogs. You would think a margin call would have gone off in her head. If the former First Lady were to ask me for advice I’d tell her to stick with her own kind, you know, Tom Delay, ‘Scooter’ Libby, and Karl Rove. For Pete’s sake, even, Ted Kennedy, although make sure you’re the designated driver, drink only white wine spritzers and wear four pairs of pantyhose.
There’s a new chat room called Trading Elements. With all the hurricanes we’ve been through, I thought it was going to be a weather chat room, but no it’s a bona fide trading room, started by Jean Yus and Gio. In this room both moderators talk throughout the trading day. Jean Yus talks with a bit of a country drawl, which made an old guy like me nod off a few times. A personable and knowledgeable fellow, in fact with that voice, he could be a bible thumper on some Southern cable TV station. Gio, likewise, has a friendly and likeable voice, a sort of ‘come hither’ like tone, not, unlike the voice at 1 888 BONDAGE.
I give credit to these people who moderate chat rooms for their dedication and patience, especially when you read some of the ‘challenging’ questions posed. What time frame are you using on that 3m chart? What’s the acronym for 'high of the day'? If it bounces off the support do you think it will go higher? What country is the euro in? What’s the symbol for the all session ER? Gee, why don’t you send me your money and I’ll put it in one of Refco’s unregulated off shore funds and triple it for you. The best piece of advice I got was from Edward R.Murrow, when he said,” Andy, pull your finger out and say,” Holy Crap’, I’m going to do my own thing.” Do you think football players ever thought of wearing ballet shoes to go with their tights, no, they knew they needed C-L-E-A-T-S, strippers don’t practice on Barbie dolls, they get on that pole and just do it, rappers don’t spend time in the ‘hood for lyrics, they watch Jerry Springer, cross dressers don’t borrow their wife’s thong, they buy their own and Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee didn’t practice with VHS they went right to DVD.
In the Traders Haven chat room, someone named Dennis spelled out a simple and precise setup to trade the opening, on a three minute bar. I’m no expert on this stuff, and the only three minute bar I know is Houlihan’ s which is exactly three minutes from the office, but even I could figure this one out. Judging by some of the questions and comments I thought, just maybe, Homer Simpson was a real person. Let’s face it; Donald Trump’s hair is more complicated than this setup. In fact I showed it to Gabriela Zapolska, our Polish housekeeper, who speaks little English. She now uses it to trade the zloty. If I hear, ‘Mr. Vrooney bar first trade, sveet ya’, I’m phoning INS to have her paper’s checked.
Finally, I have a confession to make. I was sitting in my office the other day dreaming about my ego, as I seem to do more of these days, and thinking, wouldn’t it be nice if Refco stood for Rooney Exceptionally Fine Commentator. I was really off in my own little world until my secretary, Angela, brought me down to earth with, ‘Mr. Rooney your fly is open.’ Who came up with the term fly, why don’t women call them that, oh, wait a minute that’s next week’s piece. Dan, are you there?
JAB